We live in a time when judging others has become popular entertainment. We have all the reality shows where men, women, and children perform in front of people who judge them. The judges make a decision that will affect the future of the candidates. And sometimes, the comments from the judges can be harsh and hurtful. I have to say, hurtful comments, even if the essence of the message has truth in it, are wrong in the Book I follow.
You may not have put yourself in a situation to be judged on stage. However, many of us step onto a different type of stage whenever we go about seeking the approval of others. And when this choice is a common practice in our lives, the effects can be damaging and even scaring to our souls. Whenever we get into people pleasing we are setting ourselves up to be judged and to have our future changed by others, rather than by the truth and principles of God.
Step Into Freedom – Stop the People Pleasing
So today, on the first day of our Ten Days of Freedom, I encourage you to pause for a few minutes right now. Think about yourself and your attitudes. Are you a people pleaser? Do you behave in ways so that others will like you or judge you as worthy? Do you buy things so others will have an opinion of you? Do you say things to gain popularity?
All of us who have ever slipped into people pleasing know it’s not good for us. I know there are times when the unkind words people have said to me continue to pierce me, even if they were said decades ago. Granted, I’ve learned a lot since then . . . and so what used to cause bleeding now is just a little sting that can be brushed away. I am so thankful for this change in my life.
Do you want that kind of change? Here is what you can do — and as followers of Christ, what we’re called to do — and that is to please God. Let Him be our judge. Let Him be the one to affect your future. Let Him be the one to give you the critique. Let Him be the one to shape you and guide you and direct you.
The Bible says, “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant. Galatians 1:10 (NLT)
Here is the truth: when we choose our behaviors so they please God, we will always win! We will always win the contest we have going on inside of us. We will always feel “okay.” And not only will we feel good about ourselves, but we also will bring glory to our Lord. We will serve Christ.
Be that helpful part of yourself and watch how you behave when you’re around people. Choose to walk in the Spirit by seeking God and His kingdom ways first. And rather than putting yourself in a position to be judged by others, allow only your loving Father to be the one who passes along the verdict.
To learn more about shaking off being a people pleaser, read a devotional I wrote for Lysa TerKeurst’s ministry, Proverbs 31 Ministries – On Which Stage Do You Want to Appear?
What are your thoughts and your experiences. I love hearing from you, as do others who visit this site. Please share your message below.
Thank you for your insight and thoughts on this. I was a huge people pleaser when I first got saved and filled with holy spirit. One Sunday I visited and church in the South and the pastor preached on “It’s okay to say NO” and that message set me free. I used to try to do everything anyone asked me to do to the point I would overload and overextend myself. I would be in the emergency room for exhaustion and dehydration. Mind you I had a husband and children to take care of and all my household duties along with lots of church work to do every week. I also worked and my children were in school. My husband was unsaved too. Church was my escape from everything. I did take the children with me. I learned to do what I needed to do and say no to what someone else could do. Or let people do their own jobs and stop dumping them on me because I was always willing to do it. Thanks be to God I don’t have that problem now. But I do have another one if you can help me with it. I’m a hoarder. My house looks like an unorganized thrift store or storage room. I will clean when its time for inspection and have it looking so nice by packing everything in the basement but in a month the house looks the same. Now I have to clean my place and the basement which has about 12 years of stuff packed in it. I did get rid of some basement stuff by donating to purple hearts. I need to do more. I took all the paper junk back into the house to sort it and now the house is a wreck again. I been shredding and throwing away but I have so much and don’t know how to organize what I have. I need to give away some more clothes, etc. I’m not a good decorator, organizer either. I’m praying to God to give me the mindset to let go of a lot of paper and clothes too.
Dearest Jackie,
God is so good and He loves you so very much!
I encourage you to find value in Him rather than things. And then see all the things you have gathered as seeds of blessings that you can give to others for their good. Let go, not as loss, but as gifts. Let joy fill your heart as you bless others with the items you’ve gathered over time. Let the Spirit of God work in you.
Also, regarding the papers: are there important documents you need? Then yes, save those. Look at your work of sorting the papers in search of the essential documents as an act of responsibility. All the other “information” that you may have gathered, let it go. Shred it, burn it, take it to the recycle — and all along think of the gift you are giving to yourself and to your family as you clear space for beauty and openness.
A phrase I say to myself all the time when I’m in the middle of a really big project is “bit-by-bit.” And I celebrate every little step that I take. Rather than looking at the whole mountain – look at the next step. Dedicate yourself to a certain amount of time each day to clear things. Play some uplifting music. Experience the excitement of the good work you are doing bit-by-bit.
One more thing, get a file and start saving (just a few) pictures of how you want your home to be. You don’t have to be a decorator. But you do know what you like. So find some pictures that you can use to copy the ideas for your new cleared space.
You can do this. Not on your own. But instead by allowing the Spirit of God to work in you. Lean on Him. And be in love and joy for yourself and others as you complete each step bit-by-bit.
Love to you, dear one!
Hi Jackie just to encourage you to keep going with the decluttering. I did apartment earlier this year with only 2 more areas to go. My bedroom cupboard and my enclosed porch where i put some things i didnt know what to do with. Have been whittling away at those things and getting there. It is an anazingly freeing experience and sitting in my living room reading is now a pleasure I look forward to instead of feeling frustrated and disorganized.
Reading Day 1 of this teaching has shown how much I am still a people pleaser even though in my mind I thought I was not. I thank you that this has helped me to realise this and I pray to God to help me to please and focus more on Him.
I really learned a great deal because often times I feel as if I have to pretend around certain people I don’t really care for I will read this and follow this message really touched home so glad to have read this: I also was told in church the same thing please God not people.
Oh my God! I just read Day 1! I know God saved this time for me to read when I could be focused on this message. I need delivering and to be set free. I always have done things I thought was to please God, but I see now there have been times I was tricked into pleasing others. Thank you and I am now going to Day 2 and 3!
Be blessed Woman of God!
God is our guide – even into truth!
I am really inspired by your message. I am a backslider and the devil is truly busy in my life. I am broken into so many pieces that I need guidance right now. I’ve been working in/out of temp jobs now for the past 3 years and I need a permanent fulltime job so that I can go see about my health. My bills are past due, all of them. I will be sitting in the dark in 2 days because I don’t have anyone to help me, just a lot of broken promises… Please pray much for me as I transition myself back to Christ, what I know best… I just hope I don’t end up homeless in the process.. thanks for all your prayers
Eugenia – call upon the Lord. He is there for you and with you. But we must reach out to Him and do what He tells us to do!
“Get wisdom! Get understanding! Do not forget, nor turn away from the words of my mouth.” Proverbs 4:5
Go to God’s Word. Find a promise from Him that He will provide for you — and even after we have made mistakes — and then start declaring His Word over your life. Keep declaring until trust in you is strong and you believe He will do what He says He will do. Then keep declaring as you call those things that are not into existence.
He will see you through!
I have just read through step 1..i must admit that it hit me head on. I really needed to be challenged and see where i have a weakness.. And thank you for this lesson. I have been through some rough waters in the last 5 years. My marriage failed and still struggle with myself. Words still resound in my head and my heart..i was not good enough..pretty enough…i didnt measure up. And then having stepped into another relationship where the cycle continued…has left me wondering if i dont know how to please those around me. Having said that…i now realize that i will never please everyone..i am seeking Gods direction and guidance. The hard part is letting go of those who have crushed me..and have only used me..i need your prayer support. Its easier said than done but i know that i will triumph in this area… Gods love and mercy is more than sufficient for me. Thank you all for your insights as well. Blessings.
Draw near to God. He loves you so very much. Let Him be your guide and your measurement for worth. He has already decided that you are a treasure and highly valued.
Be blessed, dear one!
vai dar tudo certo! creia nissi
Time and time again I have been put down for the things I have said whether they are true or not or if they are said in love. I have learned to keep my mouth quiet as to not cause what I feel is unnecessary arguments. My children are traveling down paths that I do not like nor want for them, however it is THEIR paths and there is nothing I can do to change it. So I pray for them. It is when their life paths crosses mine that I run into problems. To always have your hand out or a child when nothing goes her way as far as I am concerned wants to be argumentative. Then when I say I am not arguing want to take her children and run (sort of like being in the sandbox and taking your toys and leaving when something does not go your way). I am fine with that. But as I get older I want to explain to them that I see something different than they do and my reasoning is not selfish but for the benefit of them and my grandchildren. So I guess I am being a people pleaser. Also my husband had his share of indiscretions and now he says he loves me and only me and how beautiful I am. That is stuff I wanted to hear when I was younger and it seems trivial now. In that instance I am not a people pleaser. I don’t know what I am. But I thank God for your ministry as it brings a certain light to my thoughts and actions.
Tears falls as I just feel like shutting everyone out of my life for a moment. I am in the process of trying gain more knowledge of who I really am. I know I’m capable of doing so much more than what I am currently doing. I am trying each and everyday to allow God to take TOTAL control. I trust him wholeheartedly. But family/friends do interfere. Lately I’ve been choosing to be around people who gossip less and yearns for fun and positive moments. In doing that mostly family members make slick comments as if I’m choosing others over them. Certain friends and family that’s been around for most of my life, I’m finding it hard to be around because their energy is not positive. Always angry about something, always gossiping about something, always making excuses for not engaging in new fun activities. Just not where I am at this present time. Recently got into an altercation with my aunt and everyone is telling me that I need to be the bigger person and talk with her but it’s not in my spirit to do so although I do pray that God work it out. My aunt has made me feel a certain type of way since I was a child and I don’t want to accept that treatment anymore. My mom constantly ask me to do something that I don’t care to do (sing) but I do it anyway for her because she’ll make me feel bad if I don’t. Just tired of people considering their feelings and not mines. I know that God can do all things and that is my reason for wanting some alone time from everyone including family because I need to be free from a lot of emotional pain that has cause me to have hardened heart. I don’t want to be self-centered but I have to focus on myself so that I’ll be able to handle situations that will come up in a way that will be pleasing to God which in turn will be pleasing to me. What do you suggest?
Hi Rose,
It sounds like the Lord is calling you away to be with Him for a time. It doesn’t mean your are abandoning your family and friends. It’s like a retreat of sorts, even though you are home and not far away. People in your life may not understand and that can be difficult when they want a reason for your change. I encourage you to pray about all this and develop a response. Be truthful, but give a response that is suitable. For example, “I’m in a deep study right now and need to give as much attention to this work as I can for now. I’m not gone for good, just for a time.”
You don’t need to tell anyone what they might be doing to upset you. Just be loving and stand your ground in a positive and hopeful way.
You are in my prayers.
Thanks for you words of encouragement. I appreciate you and all that you are doing to reach out to God’s children. I will continue to pray and trust God with my all. Thank you!!
Being a people pleaser as an adult has been something Ive struggled with. Staying before the Lord and seeking his will is what helps me overcome. Honestly today Im warring with it because people have good intentions but I want Gods will for my life. Very fortunate to have so many options when it comes to work and school. Please pray that I will be obedient to what God wants me to do and if love ones dont understand. I will pray for them and leave it in Gods hands.
Seek the Lord. Discover His plans for your life. Then there is no contest between your choices. He is the way!
Blessings to you!
God bless you thank you for encouraging Words
Great message as our world has turn it seems as nothing but critics or judging one another. For so long I put the needs of others before myself but God keep me standing. I have learned I only need him everything will fall in place.
Yes, many of us have thought that we should always put ourselves down and others first. But the Lord is very clear that we also need to see what is good for us. When we walk in Christ-centered love, the way will be clear. He says, “Love others as you love yourself.” We need both actions.
Be blessed and thanks for sharing your message.
People pleasing is an issue I deal with also… and I am learning that as I engage in people pleasing, what I am actually doing is giving them the authority to be my ‘god.’ Boy, is this is a disastrous path to travel! I am always left second guessing and feel like the mule with a carrot dangling from a string in front of me… and I rarely seem to ‘get it right.’ But not so, with my Abba, Father! The answer I am learning, seems to be the same for every other issue I am learning about lately, that God IS the only answer to ALL of life’s cares, concerns and problems. Nothing happens in God’s world by mistake and all things – the good and not-so-good – are there to draw us into a deeper relationship with Him, one in which we surrender and give Him ultimate authority and control of our lives… fully submitted and committed to Him. I find that as He is my All in All, everything else, all the cares and concerns of this life just fall into perfect place. The issues may still be there, but I am able to see them with a clarity and with the significance that is appropriate, and if I am seeking His will and direction, the answers will come, in His perfect timing. And, with that, the peace He promises is received in an almost overwhelming way. People pleasing is still there and the struggle is real, but so is the answer – my relationship with my God, my creator, my Father. He is the one and the only one I want to please… The closer I walk with Him the closer the answers to all of life become. Awesome message Susan, thank you for your obedience to Him and His Word. I eagerly await the next message and what He has in store! His rich blessings to you always!
Great message, Cindy.
Oh, how we give our power away to others when we get into people pleasing. What a joy and peace we can experience when we submit ourselves to our loving God and have Him be the one we please.
It all takes us to look at ourselves and then as we see our weaknesses to look to Him for truth and direction.
Thank you for pointing it out so I see, I’m like that don’t want to disappoint people, always saying yes, and if I can’t I feel bad and disappointed, please pray for me
Thank you Susan for moulding me. Sometimes I am selfish to myself trying to please people. We are really blessed by this gift which is You. God bless you always
God is so good all the time. Whenever we are weak, turning to Him is the answer. He is the Potter and we are the clay! Praise God when we submit ourselves to Him!
Susan
Powerful! I will be thinking on this all day. For the past two years I have been going thru the horrors of a cheating spouse, but God has put it on my heart to stand for my marriage. And I have. And God has been so, so very faithful as He has gotten me thru and drawn me so much closer to Him and my husband and I are in process of reconciliation. Family and friends have much, and I mean much, to say about this. I have retreated from them fearing what they think of me for standing so long and now reconciling with my husband. I know I am doing what God wants. I know that I know that I know! It’s so easy to quit in our disposable marriage society. I thought they would see me as fighting for what is right instead they look at me as pathetic. Your blog comes in perfect timimg! Thank you. I can’t wait to see tomorrow’s.
Dearest Karen,
Please receive my “virtual hug” as a woman who also has experienced the piercing heartache of betrayal. Praise God, for the work He is doing in your heart and in your husband’s life. I hope you both can walk into forgiveness and new life as you submit yourselves and your marriage to the Lord. He is the Healer and the Counselor! Keep leaning into Him!
I neeed this too. I love doing for my church but find it so hard to say no. Unfortunately we take advantage of the few who are willing to do. Now when I say no I have this guilt because I feel I have let my helpers down. Still dealing with this…..
Let my
Hi Brenda,
When we allow God to direct our lives, we know what He calls us to do . . . and that also defines what we should NOT do! Trust in the Lord and then have confidence in His truth and His leading of your life. Then what other people say or do is subject to Him.
Be blessed
Thank You, Lord God Almighty for Susan Gregory, Ministry!
Susan, Thank You for allowing the Lord to use you! In order to
do what the Lord called me to do, people pleasing will not get it done!
The focus has to be the Lord God! No Limits with the Lord! Thanks!
Our God is so good. All praise to Him and I am so grateful that He allows me to bless Him by blessing others.
Thank you for sharing and reminding me of who my “one and only” judge is!! It’s His opinion and judgment I will seek daily!
Praise God. Your message is truth!
Thank you so much for sharing and allowing me to be a part of this teaching of Gods word.
Through growing comes maturity in Christ and in that we learn to serve rather than please people. This is certainly a great reminder to help us to stay focused on our Fathers love and the freedom that comes with it. Thank you Susan for serving God and sharing with us is that we may continue to grow. God bless you
When we stick with God we always have the assurance of living in a way that is good for us, good for others, and honoring of Him.
Praise Him for His love and grace!
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!! I can literally relate to every post i just read!! Not being able to say NO, being judged and condemned, going through a difficult situation at this time, and also truly being grateful to Susan for allowing God to use her in such a mighty and powerful way. Starting yesterday at sundown, and today at sundown, was one of God’s most holy days, The Day of Atonement, and I’ve been in prayer throughout today for everything and everyone I could think of and just in fellowship with some other Saints, and when I got Susan’s email and read it, I knew I needed to respond! Be blessed everyone!
Thank you so much Susan for sharing this beautiful word with me/us. I have spent most of my life being a people pleaser, so now that I am walking with God and learning I don’t always have to do what the world wants I am being told I live in a fantasy world and talking about God stuff😔 I know God does exist and He is a mighty God who has not failed me. I will continue to defend God and not worry about what others think of me.
True words. The pathway to freedom is clear . . . walk in the Spirit!
Thanks for sharing your experience.
I too have lived a life of putting others before myself and becoming resentful of being obligated. That is the worse feeling, grumbling under your breath, and then when ever you get the chance to voice your grievances, ugliness comes out. My go-to solution is to shy away from people and bury myself in books.
I also have a problem of always trying to please people and resentful of being obligated. This is a great message for me, I need to know how to stop being a people pleaser. Thank you
Vanessa,
I think the best anecdote for people pleasing is turning to God and seeking His direction for our life. When we know what He wants us to do and when we are clear on how He wants us to behave, we have clear direction. We receive our joy by pleasing Him and walking in His ways. Then needing the approval of people diminishes. That’s the path to freedom.
I hope you will give it a try. Seek the Lord. Let His love for you permeate you soul.
I agree with Anita is, myself too. Thats ME… Only my place is buried not in books, but just say: I’m okay… hidden feelings …and being alone complaining to me myself and I. Asked to go out I say: I just don’t feel like people this evening…excuses one after another. It has become a lonely place. Hide – Out…but ready to serve others can’t except others serving me or joy enjoy being out.
I hope I’m making sense:)
Yes, Toni, you are making sense.
My encouragement to you is to turn to the Lord. Don’t let fear be your guide. Instead, find peace in the Lord and let Him truly move into your heart as your Comforter. He is the way, the truth, and the life for your soul. When we are walking with Him and allow our hearts to be filled with His love and truth, then we are not alone. We don’t need to hide. We can be free.
Love to you, dear one.
God’s good news, Anita, is that you can draw near to Him and find a confidence that is true, solid, and not subject to others. That is freedom! That is peace.
His love for you is so strong and sure. Go to Him and let Him lead you into all truth and wisdom.
Thank you so much for this word.I have a problem of not being able to say no.I think that is the highest form of being a people pleaser You always living al lie.Pleas pray with me for strength..
Annah
Thank you. I too have a hard time telling people, but no one has a hard time telling me no. It upsets me and I’m constantly telling myself I just need to say no. I’m praying for the strength to do so, because then I can be happy and not resentful when others disappoint me
Hello Annah. I too used to always say yes to every request from others. I learned a long time ago to say I’ll get back with you. That gave me time to think and pray and hear from the Lord whether or not I was to say yes or no. Many blessings to you …stay strong in the Lord standing on his word ! Cheri
Perfect timing!! So in line with EVERYTHING I have been experiencing in my work life and what I have been studying in God’s word to determine a Kingdom strategy and approach to overcome what I have felt has been really holding me back. Galatians 1:10 is one of the scriptures was I led to and one that has resonated with me for many years. Thank you for being obedient Susan, may God continue to bless and use you as His vessel in awesome ways.
Susan
Thanks so much for your faithfulness in sharing the word of God and how we can apply it to our lives. Being an on again, off again people pleaser your message, for me, is one of reinforcement to something most of us already know. Focus on Him, our Father God, and He will be our guide and let us know when we are on the right path.
I have been glad to receive your teachings which are always helpful.
Sally L.
So good, Sally. Your message is grounded in God’s truth. And staying on this path is part of our discipline as followers of Jesus!
Always good. Always right. Always the best!
Sometimes it’s doing things that either displease God to please ourselves (and other people).
However if we put God first, irrespective of how we feel, irrespective of what others think or feel about us, then we WIN and have a peace within us can can only come from God.
So let’s us always remember that pleasing God instead of man, may not always feel right all the time but eventually we win and God’s name is glorified
He is the way, the truth, and the life we all can have as we turn to Him!
This brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how much God loves me and approves of me and accepts me. I only what to be a person that has an audience of one as well. Thank you for sharing.
Enlightening. I have been in state of change, of my thoughts, my responses, my impact in others lives. Not in the way, to gain notice. The change in my life has been, giving it back to God. Seeking Him first, in all i do. Thank you. I will be sharing these daily. Praying these messages reach the multitude.
Praise God. We are always making the right choice when we choose Him!
Today I realize that I’m a people pleaser even when I thought, I wasn’t. On this day I’m letting go of that ugly side of me and my action and letting God lead the way. I want to serve God and not people. With this being said I’m a little scared because I don’t want to let God down. One thing I know he has carry me this far so I no my heavenly father will continue to be with me. Bless my starting journey.
Dearest Tracy,
Remember, God is you loving Father. He knows your heart and He wants the very best for you. Keep close to Him. Open your heart to Him. Let Him be the one to show you things to change about yourself. He will always do it in love and with gentleness. That’s His way of love.
Well my family is currently in this situation we have a pastor who is very judgemental, he isn’t a bad person or anything but he speaks to us very harshly and this has caused us not to really want to attend church we love our fellowship but since the pastoral change at our particular church it seems that it is constant ridicule to my husband so much so that he has found that he makes decisions sometimes based on how the Pastor will view him. We have had a lot of things happen the past year and a half that have shook us and challenged our faith and we have gone to him and in turn have said that it’s because we aren’t faithful or we aren’t obedient to God. I must admit that in some of these life altering situation we may have slacked on things or if the kids or I am sick sometimes my husband will stay home to help me care for them or to care for me since I am also pregnant but for the most part we do all we can to be there and to help. My husband being a man that has been told most of his life he wasn’t good enough and then everyone he has an idea or tries to help is given the cold shoulder or given an attitude or ignored it’s hard to watch as his wife someone to cut in to him or when we talk to him about things we are going through he tells us how it’s all distractions and a bunch of drama and he just makes us feel like we are nothing and can never amount to anything in God’s kingdom. So sometimes it’s hard because we find ourselves yelling at our kids because he always has something to say about our children even though his children do the same things and sometimes worse it just feels like we are stuck and we have just dealt with the ridicule and the constant criticism because he is the leader of the church though it has become hard we are trying our best to just pray and wait on God to lead us to a better situation or to deal with our pastor’s heart.
Come together with your husband and make a decision as a couple to stand in the love of God. Allow God to be your Guide. Let Him direct you in all the decisions you make. Let Him be the one to shape your life.
Pray for your pastor that the the love of Christ would permeate every cell in His body and every word that comes from his tongue. Hold him in God’s love, mercy and grace. And let the peace of God, that passes all understanding, be yours.
Dear Susan, THANK YOU so much for sharing this godly wisdom with us, such perfect timing. I have been a people pleaser all my life, ( 50yrs young now! 🙂 ), I am presently going through a traumatic life situation, where misleading info has been shared about me, so the judges are on the sidelines, and I have been tossed around in my thoughts etc., concerning myself about their opinions and judgements, rather than resting in God, Psalm 46:10, His opinion of me and the truth…John 8:32. What you have shared has helped to refocus my mind back on Him, rather than “them.” A gift of ‘hope’ , I look forward to what you will be sharing in the days ahead…God bless you abundantly, Ephesians 3:20-21, from Sue 🙂
Praise God! Sue, remember that He knew about this situation before it ever took place. He has your back. And now, you can walk this out in the Spirit and turning to Him over and over again.
I am so sorry for this difficulty in your life. Take comfort in the Comforter. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. His love is surrounding you.
God bless you a very powerful woman of God and so faithful. Thank you for your time and effort to get the message to me.